“Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” the Pharisees test Jesus.
“Is it right or is it wrong?” They seek to hear Jesus’ answer as they bring Jesus into a debate about the ethics of divorce. And, when people bring it up today, though the discussion will go differently today then it would have in Jesus’ time, people seek to hear the answers to the ethical debate.
You know how the debate goes. Someone will say that divorce is wrong period. They will claim that the Bible says that it is wrong and therefore any time it happens, it is just plain wrong. (That may not be the truth about the Bible, but it is what they claim.) Others will seek to say it is wrong except when fraud, abuse, or adultery is involved. Abuse is the big one. It is hard to argue against leaving a marriage that contains abuse. Most people let that one slide with ease, as maybe they should. Some will say if the marriage is hurting the children, then the divorce is a good option. Still others will say, “Why stay with someone whom you will hate for the rest of your life, sure God would not want you entire life to be miserable.”
And the debate rolls on as it surely did in Jesus’ time. They had different arguments about who was allowed to give out a certificate of divorce and who the divorce certificate does and does not protect, but it was an ethical debate non-the-less and the Pharisees wanted Jesus to enter in.
And, so do we. I think that most Christians today want Jesus to enter the debate. After-all, most of us have been touched by divorce in one way or another. Some of us are divorced. Others of us have a good friend, a spouse, a sibling, or even parents who are divorced. It causes us to wonder. Through all of the pain, we wonder, “is divorce right at least some times?” “What should we think of divorce?” “Lord, tell us what you think.”
This is the point in the sermon where I have to admit that I am tempted to say, “it’s all O.K.; don’t worry that much about it; God will heal everything; it is fine; everything is going to be fine.” Then I can go home, kick up my feet, and watch reruns of the bachelor where contestants get to have all the emotional stress of divorce issues without…the ethical debate or the need to get married first.
“Everything is going to be fine, don’t worry, it’s O.K.” was the wise pastoral advice this minister gave during his internship to a young man who was struggling in the first stages of divorcing his wife. It was gentle advice I thought. But, it was wrong.
“Pastor, everything is not going to be fine. Nothing right now is fine. I feel like my heart is being torn right from my body. Pastor, things are not fine and they are not going to be fine. Don’t tell me things are fine.”
The man was right. It was not going to be fine. Things were not fine. He wanted real answers, and the worst thing I could have done, I did. I gave him cheap comfort.
Jesus does not offer cheap comfort to a complex and painful problem. Jesus is not scared of speaking. But, Jesus also refuses to enter the ethical debate about divorce. He does not lay out which instances of divorce are right or wrong. He does not expand upon the law of Moses and give us the technical answers to the technical questions that we ask. He does something different. He does something better. He answers a much better question. It is the question that is in our hearts but has trouble bubbling up to our lips, “Why the heck does divorce hurt so much?”
People who are in the heart ripping process of divorce have mixed feelings and ask, “Why the heck does divorce hurt so much?” Children come to me with confused lives as they try to navigate the reality of two homes, two sets of rules, and two people to love who do not want to talk to each other and they cry out, “Why the heck does divorce hurt so much?” Parents of children who are divorcing do not know who they are allowed to love anymore. They struggle in a separation of love and family that they did not ask for. And in all of the pain they ask, “Why the heck does divorce hurt so much?”
To this question, Jesus has an answer, “from the beginning of creation, "’God made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one flesh.”
When God draws two people together, God weaves their lives so tightly that they become one flesh, one piece of fabric whose links are so tightly woven that they are not even distinguishable. Marriage is the greatest example of what God intends for all of creation. We read in Colossians that “in Jesus all things hold together.” It is the Lord’s intention that all things be drawn together; that all creation be woven into one strong fabric.
So, why the heck does divorce hurt so much? Because, something that has been woven together is literally being ripped apart.
I have news for everyone. Whether a particular divorce is decided to be right or wrong through ethical debate, it is still going to hurt terribly.
Jesus does not tell us which instances of divorce are right and which are wrong. But, he does say that divorce is not something to be taken lightly.
When the disciples press him to say more, Jesus says "Whoever divorces his wife in order to marry another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery." In other words, anyone who sees another person who is prettier, or smarter, or understands my situation more, and divorces so that they can have that better looking option is going to do terrible damage. Divorce is not frivolous. It rips people’s lives apart and has all kinds of unintended casualties. Friends are hurt, children are confused, and parents are put into a dilemma. Divorce is not frivolous. God’s act of weaving people together to become one flesh is not something to be taken lightly.
We know this don’t we? Could not each of us written this very sermon? Those whom divorce has touched already understand that Jesus’ words are not condemnation for doing something wrong, they are merely words of truth. Divorce rips apart and that is the simple truth.
“So, if I have divorced, am I unloved and unlovable?”
That is the real question. And, Jesus has a real answer for you. There are many who are beaten and broken. There are many for whom others simply do not care. There are many who have been touched by the sting of sin and now suffer the ripping apart of their lives.
To all of these people Jesus says, "Let the little children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs.”
Have we so quickly forgotten God’s intention for creation; to draw everything together? Are you unloved or unlovable? No. “In Jesus all things hold together.”
All Scripture quotes are from the New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyrighted, 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A., and is used by permission. All rights reserved.
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